, phone in hand.
a screenplay (?) by Elijah Benson.
(A girl lays in her bed on her side. We see her face illuminated by her phone. Then we see her screen as she scrolls through her Tiktok feed.
Tiktok 1: If Jason, a single father of 5, can live in this inflatable home for 3 years with no access to the outside world he will win $5,000,000. Do you think he can do it?
Tiktok 2: I went to the third best restaurant in the world and I fucking hated it. To start, I ordered my salad with light dressing and when it came out it was completely dry. Just a bowl of completely dry vegetables. Then they tried convincing me the dish didn’t come with a dressing in the first place. I was like, “What uninspired restaurant serves raw vegetables to its patrons for 70 fucking dollars?” Like, c’mon!
Tiktok 3: You guys will never guess what happened today! Peightlee took her first steps all by herself! She hoisted herself up and just walked right over to Mommy. Isn’t that right, Peightlee? (The mother turns the camera toward the baby to reveal that Peightlee is a baby doll.) Awww, are you sleeping after all that exercise? Yes you are.
Tiktok 4: WE HAVE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE KARDASHIANS’ NEW LINE OF GENETICALLY PERFECTED YORKIES.
Tiktok 5: Do you ever feel glued to your phone? Try our new app that rewards you for every minute you spend not using it!
Tiktok 6: Thank you so much to Cinnabon and Doc Martens for sending me some items from their new collaboration! These new cinnamon rolls with a leather infused glaze are simply to die for!
Tiktok 7: Watch me eat this 7 pound bowl of marinara sauce courtesy of Little Caesar’s.
Tiktok 8: Today I’ll be unboxing an unclaimed Amazon package - let’s see what’s inside. (They open the package and pull out a handful of loose hair.) Okay, so we have some hair.
Tiktok 9: (A screen with blinking bold words. Hard techno plays. It reads: “YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL.”)
Tiktok 10: Beyoncé was spotted out wearing a gold fiddle necklace. Could this mean she is tackling folktronica next?
Tiktok 11: Hey, y’all this is Lily Jo and today I’m going to be making choco chip pancakes with maple syrup. (The camera flips to a pan that is filled with tan slime. The person drops in some small brown Lego pieces.) Here come the choco chips. Time to flip. (The person attempts to flip the slime pancake with a spatula but it seeps through the cracks.) Oh nooo! My choco chip pancake.
Tiktok 12: (A frat boy sits in front of a DJ mixer, headphones balanced on his head in the douchiest way possible. He is playing “Shut Up and Dance” by WALK THE MOON. He hypes himself up and badly mixes in “WAP” by Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B. He thinks he’s the coolest person on the planet.)
Tiktok 13:
Man 1: Alright, buddy. Whatdya got for me today?
Man 2: Buddy, I got one of one Balenciagas for you. Look at these shits.
(Man 2 places a pair of ridiculous slippers on the counter.)
Man 1: Oh, shit, buddy. I should know when I see your ugly fuckin’ face come into my store that you’re not gonna disappoint me. What are you asking for ‘em?
Man 2: Buddy, I’m gonna need forty for ‘em, buddy.
Man 1: Forty? Stop jerkin’ me off here, buddy. I’ll give you twenty-five max.
Man 2: C’mon don’t put your little dick in my mouth like that, buddy. Twenty-five I might as well donate ‘em. Give me thirty-five and I won’t beat your ass for lowballing me like that.
Man 1: Buddy, the most you’re getting out of me is twenty-eight.
(Man 2 smacks Man 1 across the face.)
Man 2: What the fuck did I say to you, buddy? Don’t fuckin’ lowball me here.
Tiktok 14: Are you addicted to vaping? Get off the stick and try our new line of nicotine-free vapes, now offered in exciting new savory flavors like caesar salad, chili cheese dog, garlic bread, and Chinese takeout. (As they list the flavors, corresponding stock images are shown.)
Tiktok 15: (A screen with blinking bold words. Hard techno plays. It reads: “YOUR BODY IS NOT YOUR’S. IT’S OUR’S.”)
Tiktok 16: My name is Willy and I’m traveling from the North Pole to the South Pole all in my hot air balloon. Right now I am in Peru at an hacienda enjoying a beautiful breakfast of huevos con queso. Tonight I will be attending a salsa festival with a local virgin. I haven’t felt this alive since my kids were taken from me.
Tiktok 17: (A man stands showing his full body. He is wearing sweatpants that show an exaggerated bulge. “So Sick” by Ne-Yo plays. The caption reads: “You can call me broke, psycho, toxic, dumb, abusive, a felon. But you can never say I don’t leave it all on the floor when it comes down to it.”)
Tiktok 19: Hi everybody. Elise Kennington here coming at you live from my living room. I just wanted to pop on here to remind everyone that Leslie Ronnerburg is a dirty rotten cunt who steals people’s husbands. Ladies, keep your men locked up past dark. The demons of the night are out and on the prowl. Do not fall victim to fake smelly bitches like Leslie Ronnerburg. That lady is a monster with the toenails of a fucking eagle. I mean, really. That’s how I found out about their affair. She left one of her talons on my side of the bed and my joke of a husband didn’t even bother to change the sheets after banging her on our bed. Leslie Ronnerburg, count your days. Once my voodoo doll kit comes in the mail from Etsy you’re fucking toast!
Tiktok 20:
(Young man 1 approaches Old man 1 on the street with a microphone.)
Young man 1: Would you let me shave your eyebrows for a free stay in a five star hotel?
Old man 1: I mean, I guess.
Young man 1: Hell yeah! What’s your name, man?
Old man 1: I’m Jenson McStein
Young man 1: Well, Jenson McStein, do you have any last words for your eyebrows?
Old man 1: First I want to thank them for being with me all these years. We went through many memories together. Four marriages, twelve children, fifty grandchildren, fifteen
serial murders, three degrees, two heart attacks, ten Norwegian cruises…
Young man 1: Wait, what was that?
Old man 1: Yup, ten cruises. Been a cardholding Norwegian rewards club member for the past two seasons now.
Young man 1: No, no, no. Not that. About the serial murders.
Old man 1: Ohhh that. One summer about twenty some-odd years ago I had a brief stint as a serial killer terrorizing a small community in Oklahoma.
Young man 1: And you’re just confessing to this now on my Tiktok channel?
Old man 1: Well, nobody’s asked otherwise.
Tiktok 21: (A person dressed in a Mickey Mouse costume scream-sings “Shallow” by Lady Gaga. They are hula hooping and juggling at the same time.) I’M OFF THE DEEP END! WATCH AS I DIVE IN! I’LL NEVER MEET THE GROUND!
Tiktok 22: (A screen with blinking bold words. Hard techno music plays. The first screen reads: “YOUR TIME IS NOT YOUR’S. IT’S OUR’S.” The second screen reads: “YOUR ATTENTION IS NOT YOUR’S. IT’S OUR’S.” The third screen reads: “YOUR DATA IS NOT YOUR’S. IT’S OUR’S.” The third screen reads: “YOUR LIFE IS NOT YOUR’S. IT’S OUR’S.” The fourth screen reads: “NOTHING IS YOUR’S. EVERYTHING IS OUR’S.” The fifth screen reads: “YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL.” The sixth screen reads: “WE ARE.” )
(The girl turns her screen off and gets cozy in bed. As she snuggles into bed and comes to a rest, we see that she is still holding her phone. Closeup on her grip on it as it suddenly illuminates with the final screen from Tiktok 22: “WE ARE.” Hard techno plays and abruptly stops when she wakes up sitting at a plain white desk. She lifts her head and notices she is sitting in a completely white void. She hears a faint version of the techno music that played clearly just moments before. It appears to come from behind her so she looks, remaining seated. She doesn’t see anything so she turns back around to the desk and sees that her phone is now placed in front of her playing music. She attempts to turn it on but it stays black. She looks below the desk and sees nothing. She comes back up and sees that a charge has been neatly placed next to the phone. She looks to her sides for a plug but doesn’t see one. She looks back at the desk and sees that the charger has now been attached to the phone and is plugged into the top of the desk. She picks it up and powers it on. It turns on but is completely blank with no apps. She swipes through and finally comes across a camera app. The phone shows what is in front of her - the desk and the cord. She then presses the button to change to the front-facing camera revealing that her face is deep in the process of decomposition. The music blares before cutting out, leaving only the alarm of her phone playing. Her eyes peel open as she slowly comes to. The alarm rings on. Her eyes blink a few times and she puts her hands to her face to rub them. She feels that something isn’t right and puts her hands out in front of her, palms facing away at first. Then she turns them around to reveal that her phone has grown into her hand. She screams and it echoes away with the alarm. Title screen: “, Phone in Hand.” Hard techno blares. Hard cut back to a closeup of the girl’s sobbing face. Closeup on the phone in her hand, which reads “Mom.” For every one of Mom’s lines we see a closeup of the phone.)
Mom: (On the phone:) Honey, you need to calm down! I can’t understand you all hysterical.
Girl: (Between sobs:) My…phone…is…in…my…hand!!!
Mom: Where else would it be, baby?
Girl: No!!! You don’t…get it!!! It’s in my hand! Like it grew into my hand overnight!
Mom: I’m not understanding what you mean. Just hold tight and I’ll be there in a few minutes.
(She hangs up.)
Girl: (Under her breath:) Did she really just hang up on me? Fuck.
(Closeup on her face wincing as she pokes around the phone. We hear the scraping of plastic and the oozing of her wound. Then we see a closeup of the phone as she tries to peel back the flesh to release it. It’s quite gnarly and hurts too badly so she stops. We hear a knock on the door then a closeup of the door as it is opening. The girl’s mom is on the other side. She immediately hugs her daughter.)
Mom: What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Are you alright?
Girl: (Pulling away from the hug:) No! Look at this!
Mom: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
Girl: Does it look that bad?
Mom: Ummm…
Girl: Just say no, Mom!
Mom: No, it looks great, honey! Never looked better, actually. Let’s just get you in the car.
Girl: What?! To go where?!
Mom: To the hospital, babe.
Girl: Mom, what?! No, I can’t go to the hospital! I’m scared!
Mom: Honey, you have to go to the hospital. This is beyond anything we can fix at home.
Girl: No!!! I won’t go! I hate hospitals! I hate them!
Mom: You need to go! You need to see a doctor!
Girl: (Closeup of the girl screaming:) No!!!
(Hard cut to the girl sitting on an exam table. We hear the crinkling of the paper under her as she adjusts herself. She sucks on a lollipop. Her mother sits beside her silently. The girl looks around the room bored out of her mind. She kicks her feet and tries staring at the whimsical painting on the wall for entertainment but to no avail. She looks at her phone embedded in her phone. Then to her mother. Then back to her phone. She taps it on and opens Tiktok. Closeup on her face as the audio from the app plays. She giggles as she scrolls through the videos.”
Tiktok audio:
(Closeup on her mother.)
Mom: Are you insane?
Girl: What?
Mom: You really can't stay off that thing? Even though it’s grown in your fucking hand?
Girl: Ew, mom. Swearing at other women? Not very girl’s girl of you.
Mom: Not very what?
Girl: Just don’t talk to me like that. I don’t like that.
Mom: Fine. Whatever. Just get off the phone before you cause more damage to yourself.
Girl: What do you mean cause more damage? You think I did this to myself?
Mom: No, of course not. I’m just saying you shouldn’t play on it. You don’t know what you could potentially harm by pushing it around like that.
Girl: You think I don’t know to be careful and gentle, mom?
Mom: Can we just not right now?
Girl: Can we just not what right now?
Mom: You know what I mean.
Girl: No, I don’t. I really don’t.
(We hear a quiet knock on the door and the doctor enters.)
Mom: Doctor! Doctor, any news?
Doctor: (Putting up an x-ray on the light board and turning the lights of the exam room off:) Well, it appears as though the phone has not only been embedded in your hand but has grown into your arm. It looks like some type of wire system has wrapped itself around your veins all the way into your heart.
Girl: Into my heart?
Mom: Into her heart? So, what does that mean? What are our options?
Doctor: We have to run a few more screenings but you may not have very many.
Girl: So, what? I just have to live with this thing in my hand for the rest of my life? What if they come out with a new model that I want? I’ll be stuck with these features forever?
Doctor: That’s likely the case, my dear.
Mom: (Beginning to tear up:) Oh, Lord.
(Closeup on the girl’s face as she takes in this information and also begins to cry. We hear mumbles of the doctor as a bright ringing grows. When it reaches its peak, hard cut to a closeup of the girl smiling.)
Girl: (Still in closeup:) Okay, you guys. I’m the bionic girl and today I’m going to be pranking people in Walmart. (Cut to a full body shot of her walking through Walmart.) Who’s going to be our victim today? (She approaches an older woman.) Perfect. (To the woman:) Excuse me, ma’am.
Older woman: Yes?
Girl: (Placing her hand directly in front of the woman, gripping her phone:) If you can catch my phone from right here you can keep it!
Woman: Ummm, okay I guess.
Girl: Okay, ready?
Woman: Sure.
Girl: On the count of three. One. Two Three. (She opens her grasp but the phone stays embedded in her palm.) Boom! You’ve been punked by the bionic girl! Get fucked! (She flips off the camera with a stupid face. Screen grab with the title “, Phone in Hand.” over it. Hard techno plays. Blackout. End.)